Talk:Its yer birthdays of party!/@comment-30144972-20170628115525
Analysis: Grammar: 1/10 * Wrong verb tense in the sentence "I've been homeless and jobless ever since my uncle that was taking care of me died.". It should be "I had been homeless and jobless" instead of "I've (I have) been homeless and jobless." * In the sentence "I'm sure i'll be fine. It's my birthday after all.", the contraction "I'll" needs to be capitalized since it has the word "I" in that contraction. * Comma splice (run-on sentence) and contradicting verb tense at the sentence "I haven't gotten much info about it yet, but if it means I can make a living, then I'm fine with whatever they throw at me.". It should be "I didn't get much info about it yet. If it means I can make a living, then I'm fine with whatever they throw at me." * In the sentence "I sent so many applications to so many different places so I didn't really know what this job was.", you should put a comma between the words "places" and "so". * Don't start your sentences with conjunctions. I'm talking about the sentence "Or that factory that was at the bottom of my list?" * In the sentence "He lead me to a dark room, with a hospital bed and a small desk with many different tools.", replace "lead" with "led", as it is the past tense for lead. * Inconsistent verb tense in the section "Birthday Preparations", where the first sentence was "I was locked in.", but then it switches to present tense. In addition, the sentence "They injected some kind of white liquid into me..." should be "They had injected some kind of white liquid into me...". * Since UCC Laboratories is a proper noun, capitalize the "Laboratories" instead of "UCC laboratories". * I'm not counting this against your score, but isn't the title supposed to be "It's yer birthday party?" instead of "Its yer birthdays of party?" I also didn't grammar-check the epilogue because it was optional to read. Originality: 10/10: (A nice concept you have!) Plot: 6/10 * How did they accept your job application, and how did they know about it? * In the section "Before Birthday", the protagonist/narrator was talking about how he didn't know where he was taking his job, but he was right at the place of the "UCC Laboratories". That was really contradicting and there was no passage of time in the story between those events. Maybe the setting in that section wasn't clear. * In the section "Birthday Preparations", it reveals that he was narrating it in a GUI, which didn't make sense. Earlier, he was narrating the story like it was happening now. * What would be the use of putting a consciousness into a ROBLOX place? Why would they start this test in the first place? Empathy: 7/10 (Emotions and feelings were present and explained in the story, but I wish it had more. There were some events that were lacking with emotion, such as the part where he was at the front desk.) Thrill: 6/10 (While it did had a lot of emotions and feelings explained from the protagonist, the plot mistakes and the lack of detail made this creepypasta a bit boring.) FINAL SCORE: 6/10